Jokes - page 1 of 4

Some investment advice.
Dear Frog & Toad Web Site Visitors,
For those of you with any exposure to the stock market, here is some investment advice for you.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Victoria Bitter (the beer, not the stock) in South Australia one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 5 cent deposit, you would have $107.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler" - he he

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man walks into the doctors.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer phone message"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf, but he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray."

The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.

Here is the first....'Johnny! get off that fucking Tractor!'"

Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick.